People like to think that we are better people if we forgive and forget.
But what exactly does that mean?
They want us to believe that forgiveness doesn't excuse the behavior, but it prevents our hearts for being destroyed.
Sorry, but we don't believe any of that.
Pretending that everything is just fine, when it isn't, is unhealthy and dishonest.
When people are toxic, violent or have betrayed us, there is no forgiveness or forgetting.
The phrase "forgive and forget" is just a nice sentiment more than an actual helpful piece of advice.
We don't believe forgiveness heals or amends wrongdoing.
It's impossible to truly forget a wrong that has been committed against you. It happened. It happened to you, and you experienced how hurtful it was. That is something that is impossible to erase from your memory. Nor would it be realistic to expect you to forget that the wrong happened after the harm that you've suffered.
Of course we aren’t talking about honest misunderstandings or mistakes, those things should be forgiven, we grow and learn from those experiences.
But, just because someone says “sorry” after trust is broken, and expects to be forgiven, this has nothing to do with real forgiveness. Pretending to forgive actually makes it worse.
Pretending the wrongdoing never happened doesn't make the effects of it go away.
While it might be easier in the moment to ignore the wrongdoing and act as if nothing has happened, the emotional effects of the wrongdoing are still there.
Real healing begins when the person who was wronged is ready to acknowledge and accept the hurt.
Then and only then can some form of forgiveness be possible, it isn’t as simple as some make believe it is.
There is a process we need to go through before the healing and any forgiveness can begin, it’s the grieving process.
